Ravwyn: A Sue's Diary
by yeah that's me
Summary: She's pathetic and obnoxious and loud and freakishly beautiful. She's Ravwyn, Sue extraordinaire!
1. Chapter 1

this is what happens when i'm on vacation but too sunburnt to go outside. I do stuff like this. all things considered, updates should be rapidly forthcoming. please review despite the horridness of it all, because hopefully it'll be pretty amusing. rated T for possible language later.

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Hey there, hotshot. My name is Ravwyn. You don't need to stare. I know I'm beautiful.

Yeah, that's my natural hair color. Blood red. It goes with my skin, right? And my violet eyes, and my figure. (Would you say willowy or voluptuous? It's hard to choose, because really, I'm both.)

I don't know if I inherited these stunning looks from my parents, because I haven't got any. I'm an orphan. I was raised by the Eagles, and Gwaihir is my daddy, so look out because if you give me one funny look he'll fly down here and kick your sorry mortal ass.

Yeah, mortal, that's what I said. Because I may not know who my parents are, but I sure as hell know I'm not a wimpy human chick. I mean, I'm already three hundred and twenty years old and I look great. Not to mention I can fight like an Elf, even though no Elf woman's got curves like mine. I'm one of a kind, for sure.

Anyways, must run. I've got an errand to do. Silly Elrond's Nine Walkers won't get far without me, and if Sauron gets the Ring it'll be up to me to fix everything, as usual, so I'd better make sure that cute little hobbit gets things done right the first time, because I can't constantly be playing maid to these losers Galadriel calls "the Wise." Wise my ass. If they were really wise they'd let me in on things every now and then instead of ignoring me.

But, oh, baby, even if they're stupid that Council sure can pick it's men. I've never seen a finer array of eye candy. From hunky to lithe to cute, I'm down for the quest on sight alone. Because hell, even if Sauron get's the Ring, at least I'll get a chance to select my true love from one of those fierce looking warriors.

Ooh, now I really must fly. They're nearly at Moria already while I've been here in this world chatting to you. I simply can't let them go in there without my presence to light their way in the darkness.

Later, honey.

Wait, hold up a second. Just so you know what I'm up to down there in my home of Middle-earth, I'll keep a journal. Wouldn't want to leave you pining without word.

Now, for real. Let's go get 'em.

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Day One

Shit, so okay. I found the Fellowship because I have like incredible hearing and stuff, but as soon as I walked into the clearing they all flipped out! They pulled all these weapons on me, which is just weird, because I'm obviously not, like, an orc or anything! And I was like, "Peace, my friends. I have come to aid you on your Quest."

And then they're all like, "Who are you, and how is it you know of our purpose?"

And I'm like, "I'm Ravwyn, Princess of the Eagles, and I have been sent by my adoptive father Gwaihir to help you complete your mission."

And then the old dude interrogated me for like, seriously, an hour about this because he didn't think Gwaihir was really my dad. What the fuck, just LOOK at me, old man, I'm frickin dressed in only feathers. (I noticed the others were staring hehehe. Feathers don't cover much. I knew it was a good wardrobe idea.)

So now I'm going with them for "a while" because they can't let me report back to my "master" or whatever that means. They think I'm evil. I'll just have to prove them wrong. But like, fuuuuuck, I'm all tied up and that stupid Dwarf keeps poking me and telling me to walk faster. This is definitely not how I wanted things to turn out. But whatevs, because tomorrow it'll be all right. I've got some tricks up my sleeve that even old Grumpy Gandy doesn't know about.

Oh yes. Magic. Because I'm actually half Fairy. Tehe.

Love xoxoxoxox Ravwyn

p.s. Legolas is a fuckin fox. Im gonna marry him and have his babies.

p.p.s Could settle for Boromir too, i guess

p.p.p.s The hobbits are just "cute" because they're short and have fuzzy feet. Like, ew. And don't even talk about Gimli.

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Day One, Reality:

Sam was putting the finishing touches on their supper -- stewed rabbit, courtesy of Strider -- when She appeared, crashing suddenly through the bushes like a rabid beast. Why none of them had heard her sooner was a mystery, but all of them were suspicious. Sam grasped his little sword firmly by the hilt when he saw her -- dressed scandalously in a strange garment made only of feathers, which revealed far more than it concealed -- stalking towards them imperiously with her arms outstretched and her strange stilt-like shoes clacking on the stony earth.

But she soon stopped, because Aragorn and Boromir were advancing on her with drawn swords, their faces grim and hard, and Legolas had leapt out of an overhanging tree with an arrow strung and his Elven eyes narrowed, and Gandalf was looming suddenly large and threatening with hidden power.

She held out her hands -- her nails were black as shards of coal, Sam noted nervously, as he moved to block his master from her fell sight -- and spoke with a strange, flat accent: "Peace, my friends, I have come to aid you in your Quest."

Frodo let out a strangled gasp. Merry and Pippin drew their short swords and rushed to join Sam in front of Frodo. Aragorn leapt forward and pressed the tip of his blade to her exposed throat even as Boromir moved to restrain her from moving.

"Who are you and how is it you know of our purpose?" Aragorn hissed menacingly. The woman looked shocked.

"I am Ravwyn," she said indignantly, "Princess of the Eagles, and I have been sent by my adoptive father Gwaihir to help you complete your mission."

Gandalf strode forward. "The Eagles have never taken in those not of their own kind, and see no reason for them to have changed their ways so suddenly, Gwaihir especially. In all my time in his company, I have never heard tell of you, yet you claim to be a princess. Explain yourself at once, or you will find yourself in greater peril even than you are in now."

Sam listened intently as she rambled, but she seemed to grow madder with every sentence, and it soon became quite obvious to all that she was not a servant of Sauron -- she was too scrambled and far too stupid -- but she was most definitely not a Princess of Eagles, either. And she also seemed to be of a strange hybrid race that she refused to reveal. So in the end, the Company was forced to take her with them for a time, because they were loathe to kill wholly without reason, yet they could not let her wander into worse clutches, where any information she had gleaned from their meeting could be used for ill.

And that was why Sam was now stumbling along behind a near-naked female with bound hands who was swearing in a most strange and unladylike fashion, and whom Gimli was continuously prodding with his axe because she was moving at a pace hardly faster than a snail.

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	2. Chapter 2

deeefinately awful. i hate sues. i dunno if this is working, i'm trying to make her believably sue-ish but also funny. Aaaanyways this is probably only going to last as long as I'm bored because i don't like it especially much. review if you've got ideas for where it could go, or anything to say. thankees.

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Day Two:

This is not exactly going how I had planned.

Today I was woken up at some ungodly hour by Pippin dumping water on my face. Then I had to walk for eight hours in the freezing cold and pitch black – I mean, this is why people _sleep_ at night, not go gallivanting around the country – and oh my _god_ one of my stiletto _heels _broke! Those were _expensive_! Ugh! So like, I had to go on with one broken shoe and practically broke my ankle clambering over piles of rocks and then I fell flat on my face into a ditch. Fuck! And got covered in _mud_ and my clothes got all ripped up and I was naked but it didn't even matter because no one even bothered to _look at me_! They just threw some spare clothes down and now I'm dressed like a _man _and I have no shoes!

Grrraugh!! I am the Princess of Eagles!! I am a Fairy Elf Mermaid Angel child!! I am not meant for this kind of torture!!

_And _to top it all off they eat dried _meat _all the time, and I'm a vegetarian because animals are people too and I can talk to them and stuff, but like, I have to eat, right? So it's like, eat dirt or die. So I've been eating little pieces of dried fruit and drinking broth and that's like not enough for a healthy girl.

Starving, muddy, shoeless, and angry. That's me. That is what I've been forced into . And you know what? I'm starting to think it's all stupid old Gandy's fault. He's the wizard, right? And so like, what if he's enchanting the others to make them hate me? No one in their right mind actually would, so like, it's got be some kind of conspiracy sabotage type shit. God I'm mad. Gandalf the Grump just wrote himself a death wish because I'm not going to save him from the Balrog now!! Uh uh hell no!!

But tomorrow, things change. As soon as I have a minute alone I'm going to meditate and do magic and change this stupid quest to how I want it to go! So there. I am Ravwyn!! I _will _find my true love and I _will _go down in history as being the greatest and most beautiful and most powerful and most spunky and most greatest warrior and _best_!

God_dammit_ Gimli's poking me again.

Day Three:

By the power given to me by the Goddess I hereby make myself reader of minds and conjurer of anything I want.

Thank you.

Day Four:

Hahaha. Yesssss.

Day Four, Reality:

Why had they ever thought she was dangerous, or mad, or unrespectable? How could they have possibly thought she was anything but wonderful?

No, Ravwyn of the Eagles, Fairy Mermaid Elf Angel Princess of her people was the most beautiful, the most amazing creature any of the Company had ever laid eyes on.

Her hair was a deep blood red, flowing in gentle shining waves down to her waist, and her large deep violet eyes spoke of sorrow and kindness and power and were framed by heavy black lashes. Her skin was alabaster pale, like moonlight upon marble, and her voice was clear and beautiful. Her travelling gown was practical but beautiful in it's satiny perfection, and clung to every curve. The Fellowship was wholly entranced.

Gandalf smiled fondly at her and called her the daughter he had never had. Boromir looked at her sideways and lusted after her in secret, though she rebuffed him whenever he approached her; Aragorn gazed upon her with admiration and barely veiled desire, and had started doubting his love for Arwen; Legolas composed songs in her honor and gallantly offered to carry her belongings; the hobbits flocked to her side and begged for a song from her beautiful voice and Frodo was soothed by her mere presence; but Gimli fought.

Gimli was seeing two Ravwyns with his strong-willed Dwarf eyes. The one she wanted him to see, and the one he knew was real: meaning her eyes were disproportionately huge and alien-like in her skull-white head, her lips looked like they'd been made from wax, her body was clearly plastic, and her hair looked like the Little Mermaid on crack. When Gimli managed to cling to this truth for longer than ten minutes, he realized that she was evil and began to form a plan to get rid of her and to protect the Ringbearer from her influence – but it was slow going, because even though she didn't pay him much attention and was least focused on keeping him in control, her spell was still quite persistent and he had to constantly struggle to stay in character and not go rushing off to pat her knee and tell her fondly that she was more beautiful than the hardiest Dwarf lass under the Mountain.

But Gimli the Dwarf was made of harder stuff than most. He was a Dwarf, and he was stubborn and had a will as strong as mithril. As long as he was around to stop it, the ruin of this Quest would not come at the hands of a plastic surgeon's miracle.

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There you go.


End file.
